Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

It's never too late to heal a marriage, is it?

No. Conceptually it's never too late, but recently I've been getting some of the same bad feelings in Marriage Coaching that I had while seeing couples in my counseling practice.

Finally, he wants to try. She comes for the appointment, but hesitates when asked if she would be willing to accept a miracle from God for their marriage. Upon inquiry she explains that her delay in answering is due to years of hoping for better that has finally given way to a hopeless acceptance that things are never going to be the way they were...there's been too much neglect, too much anger, too many broken promises. Yes, he's trying to do the right thing...finally, but she doesn't even have it in her to try. In effect, if it were a conversation with Jesus it would go something like this,

"Do you want to be well?" Jesus asks.

"Yes, Lord. I do, but it's been so long that our marriage has been sick. I don't know if I have what it takes to do my part, or if I even want to. I'm used to things as they are. Hoping for better is a risk for my heart, and frankly, my personality, identity and habits in life are embedded with the dull mediocrity and disappointment of my marriage."

"But, my dear, I make all things new. I can do this for you if you'll do your part", Jesus reminds.

"I know that in my head, Lord, but honestly, I don't think I have the energy or will to try any more."

This appears to be the place that some couples leave things after a first or second appointment. Per the value of "Own Life Responsibility" integral to a coaching approach, we give our clients responsibility to schedule and reschedule their appointments. The ones that take initiative to do this also take initiative to work the coaching process in a way that builds their marriage. The ones that don't simply fade away.

"Did ____ call or write to reschedule her individual coaching appointment or to reschedule their marriage coaching session?" Jill asked. "No" I said. We exchange a knowing glance. It's likely that they're going to fade.

The reality is that not everyone offered healing or salvation will accept the offer. Similarly, as a Marriage Coaching couple that offers state of the art process and skills to prevent misunderstandings, to build closeness, to resolve difficult and emotional conversations, etc., the limit of what we can do is to offer the opportunity to prepare, strengthen or to save a relationship. It's like throwing a life ring to a drowning swimmer. They have to grab it to be saved.

Conceptually, it's never too late to heal, to repair, to forgive...but the longer a couple waits the harder it might be for them to walk that path.

Do you have an inkling that things aren't right? Have you thought about getting some help? Know that the longer you tolerate pain, conflict, disappointment, etc., the easier it can become to make friends with a relationship that is far less than best, and the harder it might be to become un-tracked from the rut you've dug together. Break inertia by getting some help, and then persevere in a process to do differently.

God has made a way that works, and perseverance wins the race!

Persevering for ourselves and for you,

Jeff and Jill Williams