Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

It's never too late to heal a marriage, is it?

No. Conceptually it's never too late, but recently I've been getting some of the same bad feelings in Marriage Coaching that I had while seeing couples in my counseling practice.

Finally, he wants to try. She comes for the appointment, but hesitates when asked if she would be willing to accept a miracle from God for their marriage. Upon inquiry she explains that her delay in answering is due to years of hoping for better that has finally given way to a hopeless acceptance that things are never going to be the way they were...there's been too much neglect, too much anger, too many broken promises. Yes, he's trying to do the right thing...finally, but she doesn't even have it in her to try. In effect, if it were a conversation with Jesus it would go something like this,

"Do you want to be well?" Jesus asks.

"Yes, Lord. I do, but it's been so long that our marriage has been sick. I don't know if I have what it takes to do my part, or if I even want to. I'm used to things as they are. Hoping for better is a risk for my heart, and frankly, my personality, identity and habits in life are embedded with the dull mediocrity and disappointment of my marriage."

"But, my dear, I make all things new. I can do this for you if you'll do your part", Jesus reminds.

"I know that in my head, Lord, but honestly, I don't think I have the energy or will to try any more."

This appears to be the place that some couples leave things after a first or second appointment. Per the value of "Own Life Responsibility" integral to a coaching approach, we give our clients responsibility to schedule and reschedule their appointments. The ones that take initiative to do this also take initiative to work the coaching process in a way that builds their marriage. The ones that don't simply fade away.

"Did ____ call or write to reschedule her individual coaching appointment or to reschedule their marriage coaching session?" Jill asked. "No" I said. We exchange a knowing glance. It's likely that they're going to fade.

The reality is that not everyone offered healing or salvation will accept the offer. Similarly, as a Marriage Coaching couple that offers state of the art process and skills to prevent misunderstandings, to build closeness, to resolve difficult and emotional conversations, etc., the limit of what we can do is to offer the opportunity to prepare, strengthen or to save a relationship. It's like throwing a life ring to a drowning swimmer. They have to grab it to be saved.

Conceptually, it's never too late to heal, to repair, to forgive...but the longer a couple waits the harder it might be for them to walk that path.

Do you have an inkling that things aren't right? Have you thought about getting some help? Know that the longer you tolerate pain, conflict, disappointment, etc., the easier it can become to make friends with a relationship that is far less than best, and the harder it might be to become un-tracked from the rut you've dug together. Break inertia by getting some help, and then persevere in a process to do differently.

God has made a way that works, and perseverance wins the race!

Persevering for ourselves and for you,

Jeff and Jill Williams

How much is too much time to spend coaching other couples?

One of the couples we are training in Marriage Coaching live in an Asian country where help for marriage and family is scarce, but the need is overwhelming. Jim and Sylvia (not real names) have big hearts and want to be as helpful to as many as possible, especially because their own marriage has benefited so much from Marriage Coaching. Today, after being asked to take on a third couple they asked a great question, How much is too much? How many couples can we handle?

The irony of Marriage Coaching (or any people-helping endeavor) is that too much can put one's own marriage at risk. How? Here is what we have learned:

1. Helping others takes time and energy. Both commodities are limited. There are 168 hours in a week, and energy is obviously limited (especially for middle-aged couples and older). Marriage Coaching couples must be careful to spend adequate time building and sustaining closeness in their own marriage so that they care for other couples from a place of personal health and fulfillment, not on fumes.

2. How Marriage Coaching couples carry the responsibility of helping makes a difference. The beauty and blessing of the coaching approach is that it is specific about the principle that others are responsible for their own life. All decisions about their relationship belong to the couple being coached. Whether or not they work hard in good faith on their marriage is up to them, and not the responsibility of the Marriage Coaching couple. When the responsibility for improving a marriage is carried more by the couple being coached than the Marriage Coaching couple there is less burden and more energy available to help more people.

3. Seasons of life make a difference. Jill and I have weathered taxing seasons of parenting and other life transition. During periods of personal stress, we've not been able to help as many couples as compared to times of bountiful blessing and peace.

There are other factors that play a role in how much a couple can handle, but the principle is this: You can handle as much as you want as long as adequate time and energy are dedicated to sustaining an abundantly pleasurable and joyful relationship for yourselves. As with most things in life, this is a balance between giving and receiving; giving to others and receiving care from one another in your own marriage.

Don't be afraid to say no, or not now. Take control of your schedule and make sure to make time to nurture and strengthen yourselves before giving to others. Remember, who you are and what you've won in authentic personal growth is what you have to give others. Caring for yourself isn't selfish. Rather, it is loving to others in so much as the quality of care they get from you is from the overflow of your own abundance.

Blessings on your coaching!

Jeff and Jill Williams